Her, To Home

“I’m so sorry. I am so fucking sorry. Please… I beg you. Please, just be okay.” He whispered through clutched jaw, his voice breaking slightly.

He didn’t want to know why he was so fucking weak when it came to her, why he could cry like a baby when it came to her. All he knew was that he didn’t care. He didn’t hate these sides, these glimpses which came to surface when O’Brian was around. Maybe he liked to take himself by surprise or maybe it was for her that he didn’t bother to mind.

But he had loved her enough to make her his weakness but he was hoping that it would change because for him, she was also his strength. His only strength so yes, she was also a weakness but where she was the reason he could fall down on his knees- she was always the reason when he could fly.

She was supposed to be fine, suppose to open her eyes in few minutes and yet- he couldn’t wait. Last time he had actually seen her blood was three years ago and he was glad to know that his ability to overreact have not changed at all because in a fucked up way, he loved worrying over her. It gave him a chance to watch over her, make sure she was fully safe but it always seemed like fate was laughing on his sorry ass all the fucking time. Mocking him by making him the reason behind her every pain and tear.

He was a twisted bastard because where it was killing him, knowing she was in this state because of him- he was glad. A small, hidden part of him had started to surface- a small happiness that she was ready to save him even when she had looked at him with such empty eyes. The hope he always had for her forgiveness had grown, becoming a full blown teenager from a baby.

Yes, he was that much of an optimist.

The small movement from Sara stilled him, his senses coming back to present from his lalaland. In a gasp like voice, her name left his lips, “Sara.”

She clutched her closed eyes tightly, probably from pain and his hand moved like lightning to hold her cold one- unconsciously comforting her.

Her closed eyes relaxed, her hand responding back. The small squeeze she gave to his had made him grin like mentally sick puppy. He tried not to squeeze back with all his might for he wanted to- God, how he wanted to. His heart was racing so fast that it was almost impossible for him not to start jumping up and down.

She tried to open her eyes, once, twice, thrice. A small sound of frustration escaped her dried lips and his grin widen.

“Its okay baby, take your time. I am right here.” His words paused her and her head moved towards his voice.

“Dean…” She whispered and Jesus he died.

“I’m right here baby.” He said, kissing her hand. She tried to open her eyes again, almost in a hurry. This time they opened and she was staring right at him. Her empty eyes were no longer empty; they were so full of emotions that he was afraid he might come undone.

“You are okay?” She asked, worry and fear dripping from her whisper like an overflow bucket and he of course was on the ninth cloud.

She was worried for me.

“I’m fine. You saved me….” As the words left him, realization hit him. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he so fucking happy when he should be shouting his throat out at this stupid brat who almost left him!

“No, wait. Why the fuck did you do something like this? Are you crazy?” He demanded.

Sara on the other hand was looking at him like he was weirdo who escaped from an asylum, which he could understand if he wasn’t trying his best to not get distracted.

“What were you thinking? Did you know you could have died? So easily, you could have left me. God and I are not on good terms O’Brian; He would have made me beg to follow you.”

He wanted to say more but her eyes were making his tongue refuse to say anymore. He had hard time believing that her eyes were not blank; for her eyes had looked at him like he was nothing, like the image of him was hurting her. Looking closely, she had a small smile on her lips. His breathe got stuck in his throat. The room was a little too silent but it wasn’t like before. He was drowning once again but he didn’t mind.

“You were crying.” She finally spoke, maybe being uncomfortable with his gaze.

He leaned closer to her, almost unconsciously. Took a deep breath and found her no longer smelling like blood- but she was back to smelling like Sara O’Brian. He knew she was alright now but still the invisible weight lifted from his shoulders.

“I do that a lot, crying thingy.” He replied, brushing his lips across her fingers, his own heart drumming from his actions.

“I know. You cried the day you were leaving me. You cried the day when you came to watch dad’s funeral. You do this crying thingy, a lot.” She whispered and he had stilled. He didn’t know how she knew but she did. He wasn’t ashamed, just surprised.

“Yeah.” He didn’t know what to say. Her eyes looked like they weren’t expecting an answer either ways.

“You really love me.”

“Yes.” He answered without missing a beat but a part of him felt as she was not asking him, she was stating it. He was confused, his head and heart was turning into a mess. What was she getting at, because this was a strange conversation to have given the time and place.

“If I tell you that I can never love you then what?”

“I will love you, still. I can’t stop breathing O’Brian.”

“I am not asking you to not breathe.”

“Not loving you, it is like not breathing.”

He heard the small breath that left her lips. Her breathing was hitched, he could tell. He didn’t care how he sounded; all he knew was that he needed to be honest. He had tried lying, leaving and God knows what not and it still made him come back to her. He would beg, plead or even cry if he has to- but he wanted her. How badly? He was unaware of that himself at the moment. He could never bother to question why because he didn’t need to. He was okay, more than okay with being in love with her.

“You left.”

“I know.”

“You can leave again.”

“No, I will never make that mistake again.”

“Even for keeping me safe?”

“Not even for the whole world, baby. Never again.”

He watched as she closed her eyes tightly, a single tear escaping from her left one. He softly swept it away from his finger.

She opened her eyes slowly; he didn’t remove his from her glassy ones.Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive © material.

“I am in love with you, Dean.”