I want You Deeper

Hawaii was getting closer by the day.

Derek should be excited about that, but he found himself dreading arrival. It meant the end of the trip. It meant the end of his time with Renee.

He wanted to believe she’d stay for the next leg. But he didn’t see her taking measures to become a more permanent part of the crew. When April wasn’t cleaning or helping Captain Jake, she was studying for the licensure exam she’d have to pass to become an official part of the team. Renee, on the other hand, was either cooking, prepping to cook, or tapping away on her smartphone. He wasn’t sure what she was doing on her phone, but every time he came around, she quickly hit the button to make her screen go dark.

“How’s it going?”

Renee’s voice jolted Derek from his thoughts. His fault. He’d left the door to the cockpit open, knowing she’d arrive at any moment with his lunch. This had become a routine for them. She helped April with all her chores in the morning after serving and cleaning up breakfast, finished lunch, then came to hang out with him for a couple of hours before stepping out to help April and prep dinner.

“Pretty good. Uneventful.”

They were lucky in that sense. Storms were an unavoidable part of life on the water, and he’d built this ship to handle it better than most. But there was always an element of danger to life out here and he wanted to protect Renee from that. That made him slightly grateful she was unlikely to continue with them after they arrived in Hawaii.

She wouldn’t be with him, but at least she’d be safe.

And then it hit him. This wasn’t just an attraction. He cared about whether she was safe and happy, even if it meant he could never kiss her again. He cared about her.

Maybe he was even falling in love with her.

He tried to shake that thought off as she plopped into the other chair and looked out at the calm ocean ahead of them. He decided to distract himself by taking a big bite of his pita.

It was just the distraction he needed. The flavors he tasted refocused all his senses. He wasn’t sure what seasonings she’d used for the chicken, but as with all her food, this was better than any pita he’d ever tasted.

“This is amazing,” he said around a mouthful of food. He realized how rude it was to do that, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. The words just had to come out.

“Thank you.”

She seemed to be blushing. She had to be used to people complimenting her food by now, but every time he gushed over it, she seemed to light up. He hoped that was a sign that his opinion meant more than anyone else’s had before him.

“This sucks,” Renee blurted out as he enjoyed his first bite of the roasted potato wedges she’d made.

He looked over, mid-chew, to find her staring out the window. “What?” Gesturing to indicate the view in front of him, she looked over at him. “You can see it, but you can’t feel it. The best thing about being on the water is having the wind blowing all around you. This is the same as being in your living room, watching the water on TV.”

Not really, but he wasn’t going to argue with her. He set his plate down on his lap, bracing it with his left hand, and reached over with his right to open the window. Immediately, a breeze drifted in. “You have one on your side, too.”

She just stared at him. “You can have the windows open and you choose to stay cooped up in here?”

“I forget about it.” He shrugged. “I just focus on keeping us safe.”

Leaning back, Renee lowered the sunglasses she’d had propped on top of her head and looked out over the water. She was the very picture of relaxed.

“I think that’s why.” He turned back toward his pita, taking another bite. “Why what?”

“Why I don’t open the windows. It’s too much like being on vacation. I need to be on alert. It’s like being a lifeguard.”

Silence. He figured Renee was processing that information.

“But all these gadgets help you, right?”

Her question threw him off guard. He looked over at her. Yep, she still looked relaxed. He assumed she was looking out the window again, but he couldn’t see her eyes around the stem of her sunglasses.

“There’s a radar that will detect anything up ahead, yes. It’s all new, though. This boat is new. The owner had it custom made.”

Renee’s head turned, leaving no doubt she was looking at him now. “The owner? I thought this was a boat you were showing off. Someone had this built?”

“The owner of my company,” he quickly corrected, congratulating himself on his swift regrouping. He had to be more careful when talking about his business. “This is the latest and greatest. But the latest and greatest can sometimes have bugs early on.”

“I see.”

As they sat in silence, he realized a couple of things. One, she was right. This was much better with the window open. Two, he couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d been this comfortable sitting silently with a woman.

It was exciting and scary at the same time. And it made him want to fill the silence.

He set his now-empty plate down on the floor and leaned back. Yes, this was enjoyable. She had a good point. If he was going to sit up here, he may as well enjoy it. He hadn’t realized how stuffy it had been until now.

“Where to after this?”

Derek looked over at her. She’d said four words in a row, but he couldn’t seem to put them together in a way that made sense.

She must have noted his perplexed expression because she clarified.

“After Hawaii. Where are you going? You’re sailing the world?” “Australia and New Zealand, with some stops in between.”

“Fiji?”

He looked over at her. There were so many islands, and he’d love to visit them all. But he suddenly felt like they’d be so much more enjoyable if she was with him during those visits.

And he had no right to ask that she do that. This was her decision. Her future. If she wanted to fly home once they arrived in Hawaii, he couldn’t- shouldn’t-stop her. He needed to give her that freedom.

“I’ve always wanted to visit the South Pacific,” she said wistfully, looking out ahead of her. “I never thought much about traveling, to be honest. I was always so focused on my career. I guess that was all the adventure I needed.”

“Being confined to a restaurant kitchen forty hours a week probably would make you want to get out and explore,” he commented.

Silence. He wondered if he’d said the wrong thing. Maybe she was just enjoying the moment. He remained silent, too, to give her the space she needed to think.

Hopefully, what she was thinking about was the contrast between being stuck in a restaurant kitchen and traveling the world on a luxurious yacht. To him, one definitely sounded far better than the other, but he knew some people liked home, stability.

“There are benefits to being in one place,” she finally said, straightening in her chair. “Eventually, I want to get married and have at least one child.

That doesn’t exactly work with this lifestyle.”

Normally, if a woman he was seeing mentioned having kids, his instinct to run would kick in. But they weren’t seeing each other, officially, and Renee wasn’t talking about having kids with him. She was bringing up a very legitimate reason that this lifestyle wouldn’t work for many people.

“It could work.” He thought it through even as he brought it up. “Say April and Jake fell in love and got married. They’d be on the boat together, have their kids at sea. They could homeschool. It happens all the time.” Renee let out a laugh. “Do you know something I don’t know?”

“About what?”

“April and Jake.”

“No. Just a hypothetical. My experience with yachting crews isn’t all that great, but I’d bet there are people out there who have made this life work for them.”

“And the rest just retire once they’re ready to have kids.”

“Or buy a small boat of their own and travel as a family.”

She smiled. “Maybe an RV instead. You could go from campsite to campsite. If someone, say, had wanderlust, that could work.”

The funny thing was, he didn’t even have wanderlust. He liked being settled in one place. He just had this urge to run every time he started to feel like he was trapped in that one place. He wondered how much of that had to do with the need he’d felt to run from his father. If he could resolve things with him, would he still feel like he had to escape?

Leaning forward, he squinted to get a better look at an object up ahead. “Maybe I should get into the RV-selling business.”

“Not quite as luxurious as this.” She gestured to indicate their surroundings.

“I don’t know-I’ve seen some pretty impressive RVs. What is that?”

Renee leaned forward to get a better look. “Looks like a car tire.”

Laughing, he shook his head. “That’s exactly what it looks like. What’s it doing out here?”

“Do we need to steer around it?”Ccontent © exclusive by Nô/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.

He did just that, glad he could show off his navigating skills. Not that he had to do all that much to shift the boat slightly to the left, but at least it was more than just sitting in his chair, staring ahead.

“I need to go check on April.” Renee stood, kneeling down to pick up his empty plate. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

He told himself that he would be able to breathe easier once she was gone, but he was wrong. As he settled into his seat, feeling safe in the fact that he was alone again, he realized being alone wasn’t as enjoyable as it had been just days ago.