If You Want Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

I sleep like garbage. It serves me right for being a selfish asshole.

I kissed my best friend’s daughter.

I knew better than to put myself in the path of temptation. Especially with how strained things have been between us. Instead of fixing the problem, I made it infinitely worse.

Giving in was the worst mistake. Because now I know what her lips feel like. The memory is etched into my brain for the rest of my fucking life. She was so soft, pliant, and the sound she made… The way her fingers felt on my skin. Like they belonged. Like I’d never get enough. Like she should be mine to keep. Utterly perfect.

I clench my fists. My cock strains. My balls ache. I refused to take care of my situation last night, but I’m reaching critical mass. If I don’t do something soon, I’ll end up having a wet dream like a teenager.

I cross to my bathroom, but Aurora is stamped all over this space. Maybe I’ll have better control over where my thoughts go in my spare bathroom. Decision made, I stalk down the hall.

But I pause when I reach the threshold. I swear it smells like Aurora. Peggy ceased to exist after that kiss. Nothing I do will make me see her the way I used to. I swallow past the guilt and step inside. I’m halfway across the room when I spot something on the floor. I bend to pick it up and groan when I realize what it is. A hair tie.

“It’s called a scrunchie, Hollis.”

I rub it between my fingers. It’s made of soft fabric with a banana print. She only pulls her hair back when she’s cooking, or sometimes when she’s working on a project and doesn’t want her hair in her face.

As I clutch the scrunchie, a horrible idea forms. It’s sick. Fucked up. But I cross over to the bed and yank back the comforter anyway. The sheets are fresh. The spare set is in the linen closet. It’s the only evidence that she uses this room.

I grab one of the decorative pillows and bring it to my nose, groaning at the faint hint of her perfume. It was a gift from her ex-boyfriend, and she considered throwing it out after they broke up, but decided against it because it’s expensive and also her favorite. And he only bought it for her because Roman mentioned it to him.

I hate that I want to bludgeon her ex with my hockey stick for having had her in a way that I can’t.

Instead of jumping in the shower and trying to drown out images of Aurora naked in my spare room, I stretch out on the bed. Pushing my boxers down, I slip the scrunchie over the head of my cock, eyes falling closed as the soft fabric slides down my shaft.

“Dirtbag asshole.” Even as the guilt rolls through me, I don’t fight the memory of kissing her. God, her lips were perfect. She let me lead…at first. Tentative strokes of tongue as we learned each other’s mouths. And then she bit my lip and sucked my tongue and showed me that saucy side I love so fucking much. I wanted to wrap her legs around my waist and carry her back to my penthouse so I could make that ache she complained about disappear.

I regret leaving her there, looking so lost. But if I hadn’t, I would have done something infinitely stupider. Something impossible to come back from. Maybe I already have.

Out of control, I let the fantasy play behind my eyelids, reinventing the kiss, turning it into more. Instead of pushing her away, I pull Aurora closer as our tongues slide against each other. She straddles my thighs, fingers running through my hair and over my shoulders as I grip her hips and pull her tight against me—skimming all that warm, smooth skin as I rock her against my cock. She consumes me as I thrust into her. Her soft moans in panted warm breaths against my lips.

The orgasm slams through me, and I come all over my hand and Aurora’s scrunchie. Guess I’m not giving it back anytime soon.

I’m still trying to catch my breath when Roman’s voice comes from inside my apartment. “Hey, Hollis? You ready to go, man? I texted. We need to get a move on!”

“Shit.” I roll off the bed, hand still covered in jizz. “Yeah! Give me two!” I rush to the bathroom and slam the door, flipping the lock.

Turning on the shower, I step out of my cum-covered boxers, toss the scrunchie on the vanity, and step under the still-cold spray. I don’t bother with soap as I rinse off guilt and bodily fluids. My stomach twists and rolls as I reach for the towel hanging from the bar. It smells like Aurora. And now every shower has a memory of her naked attached to it. And every bed.

I’m so fucked. So, so fucked.

I wrap the towel around my waist, try to breathe around the nausea, and walk down the hall.

Roman stands in my kitchen, his frown deepening as he takes me in. “Everything okay, man?”

“Yeah. I, uh… Give me a minute.” I dress in a rush and return to the kitchen, grabbing the container of almond-flour muffins. “I might need to stop for coffee on the way.”

“You off this morning, too?” he asks.

“How do you mean?” I shove my feet into my trainers, shrug into my winter jacket, and tuck my wallet, fob, and phone into my pocket as I follow him into the hall.

“Peggy was lying on the couch with tea bags on her eyes this morning. Said she watched too much The Way We Weren’t, and it always makes her cry.” He rubs his chin. “I don’t know. Something’s off with her lately. Was she at the pool last night? She mentioned she might go for a swim.”

I already feel bad about the kiss, and for masturbating with Aurora’s scrunchie to images of her straddling me, but this news is crushing in ways I don’t know how to deal with. I feel like I can’t fucking breathe. This is what happens when I’m a selfish dick.

Over the years, I’ve seen Aurora cry a handful of times—once when she took a rogue puck to the chest as a teenager during a pickup game, which scared the shit out of me and Roman. Hell, last year, the little shit she was dating broke it off right before Valentine’s Day, so I consoled her, and we ended up hanging out and watching Batman movies. The team was away, and I was stuck at home nursing my injury. I had all the makings for brownie sundaes delivered, and she nearly made herself sick on top of being sad. But being the cause of her tears—that’s a gut punch.

“Uh, she was on her way out when I was on my way in.” Lying to Roman’s face is a new low on top of my epic betrayal.

“She looked okay when you saw her? She didn’t seem upset?” he asks.

“Maybe a little on edge.” Because I kissed her and told her it was a mistake.

If ever I wished for a do-over, it’s that fucking kiss. I know Aurora. I know exactly how she’ll react to my reaction. She’ll pick herself apart over it.

Tristan, Flip, Dallas, and Ash meet us at the gym for a morning workout.

“Everything okay with Hammer?” Tristan asks Roman once we’ve set up our routine and everyone is at their designated station.

Roman frowns. “Why are you asking?”

Tristan continues his biceps curl-overhead press combo as he speaks. “Bea is supposed to stay over tonight. We were planning to make a new recipe she was working on together and I was really looking forward to spending time with her, but she said she might have to cancel because Hammer is going through some things. She wouldn’t elaborate, though.”

Roman’s concerned gaze flicks to me. “I thought you said she seemed fine when you saw her at the pool last night. I wonder what she’s been going through.”

I shrug, my gut churning. “Like you said, she’s been off lately. Maybe it’s school related.”

I glance at Tristan out of the corner of my eye. He’s frowning in my direction. What if Rix knows about the kiss? Would Aurora tell her? Would Rix tell Tristan? One mistake could blow up nearly a decade of friendship.

The fact that I’m worried about myself in this makes me even more of an asshole. Because not only am I lying to my best friend, Aurora’s lying to her dad, too. They have a great relationship. Sure, he can be overbearing and overprotective, but they’re close. And now I’m coming between them. She deserves so much better than this. Than me.

“Hemi really misses having her and Tally around,” Ash says.

“She hasn’t even taken the extra desks out of her office.” Dallas grunts through a squat.

“Shilps sometimes does her paperwork at Hammer’s old desk to keep Hemi company,” Ash adds.Belongs to (N)ôvel/Drama.Org.

“I didn’t realize that.” I add ten pounds for the next set of lunges.

“Hemi went from having two assistants to no assistants. And Hammer was incredible, especially with the way she took Tally under her wing and helped manage the endorsement campaigns,” Flip says. “Hammer is a scheduling wizard. I bet Hemi’s feeling the pressure without her, and those girls are together all the time outside of work, so I’m sure they’re missing each other.”

“Shilpa says the office feels empty without them,” Ash agrees.

Roman adds plates to a barbell. “Maybe that’s what’s going on with Peggy. She’s been distant lately. She’s missing dinners more often.” He turns to me. “You’ve noticed it too, right?”

I keep my eyes on my weights. “I chalked it up to coursework.” The problem with a web of lies is that eventually, I’m bound to get trapped in it. And then what will happen?

“It’s too bad her internship wasn’t this semester. Especially with the gala coming up in April,” Dallas says.

“Hemi wrangle you into the auction again this year?” Flip asks.

“Last year she didn’t even ask,” Dallas gripes. “But she put Hammer up to it this year, and I wasn’t going to say no.”

“I’m glad I get a pass this year,” Tristan mutters. “And hopefully for the rest of my life.”

“I had fun last year,” Flip says dryly.

The “night with a hockey player” auction is usually pretty family friendly. Often it’s meant to be an opportunity for the winner to hang out with their favorite player. Sometimes it consists of some ice time, giving back to the community in a meaningful way, and a private dinner with a small group, but last year Flip’s date went in a less PG direction.

Dallas shoots him a look. “I’m putting it out in the universe that I’d like to have an evening with someone less than three times my age this time.”

Last year I opted out because of my injury. This year I didn’t have a reason to say no. I still don’t. But I wish I did. It’s a lot of being personable, which I’m not always good at.

After our workout, we go for lunch. We have practice early this afternoon, so I have an hour of downtime. I debate my options. Part of me wants to call my younger sister for advice. She met her husband when she was working on her master’s. He’s a professor and fifteen years her senior. At the time it was scandalous, and we were a little wary of Mike, but it was clear after we met him that they were meant for each other. This isn’t the same, though. Roman’s my best friend and teammate. Aurora’s not even done with university. It doesn’t matter how perfect that kiss was. She’s not for me. I can’t fix this, but I can apologize.

I send a single message:

Hollis

I’m sorry.

Aurora reads it almost immediately but doesn’t reply for half an hour.

Princess

Why apologize when it was a mistake?

Hollis

I didn’t mean to upset you.

She replies as I’m sliding my feet into shoes.

Princess

Let’s forget it ever happened.

I don’t think that will be possible. But for her, I’ll try.

That evening, Roman won’t let me off the hook for dinner. We stop at Aurora’s favorite Thai restaurant. He also stops at the bakery and buys her an assortment of desserts. While he’s inside, I call my older sister Emilia just to say hi and catch up. Roman returns and I take the pastries from him, setting them in my lap so they don’t get jostled on the ride home.

My stomach is a twisted-up mess when Aurora walks through his door at six thirty. It sinks further when her gaze meets mine and her expression goes flat.

“I got all your favorites from Spicy Thai! And desserts! You can take the leftovers home with you.” Roman pulls her in for a hug, then holds her at arm’s length. “Are you okay? You look tired. Is it school-related?”

She smiles, but it seems forced. “I’m okay. I didn’t sleep the best. Probably too much caffeine.”

We take our seats at the dinner table and pass around the takeout containers. Aurora slides a pink-and-yellow, banana-patterned scrunchie off her wrist and pulls half her hair up on top of her head.

“That looks new,” Roman observes.

“Yeah, I can’t find my blue one. I hope I didn’t lose it. It’s my favorite.”

I choke on my sip of water and cough into the crook of my elbow.

“I can get you another one,” Roman offers.

“There are a few places I need to check first. It’s just the perfect scrunchie.”

She avoids eye contact with me and pushes her food around her plate, barely touching it.

“Aren’t you hungry? Did I get the wrong thing? I thought tamarind curry was your favorite,” Roman fusses. “Are you feeling under the weather? That might explain why you were crying last night. You always got teary when you were sick as a kid, and universities are hotbeds for seasonal illness.”

She cringes and glances at me. “The Way We Weren’t always gives me the feels.” She pokes at her mango salad. “And Tristan sent Rix another cake, and it was on the counter when I got home from class. I figured a slice wouldn’t hurt, but then I went back for seconds, and yeah… I’ll totally enjoy this as leftovers.” She eats a small bite of tamarind curry.

I look away, because watching that fork disappear between her lips makes me think about what happened last night. And despite knowing it’s wrong on so many levels, I selfishly want to do it again.

I wonder if this is what it was like for Tristan and Rix when they were hiding what was going on from Flip. Did it feel like the guilt would swallow him whole because he was lying to his best friend? As I sit across the table from her, with Roman spiraling over the tears I made her cry, I desperately want things to be different. And for a moment I consider blurting out the truth. But then what? I blow up years of friendship and create an irreparable rift? That’s not fair to Aurora either.

“So it doesn’t have anything to do with classes?” Roman asks. He cannot let this go.

“They’re a lot of work, but so far, they’re good,” she assures him. “I’m just preoccupied, and I have a group meeting tonight.”

“Is that boy who was interested in you last year in your group?” Roman presses.

“Uh, yeah.” Her eyes rest briefly on mine. “Jameson’s in my group.”

“Is he still interested?” Roman asks.

“Um, yeah. He, uh…he asked me for coffee the other day,” she mumbles.

Is this the kid who wants to Netflix and chill with her? Jealousy leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Which is another problem. She should be all over Netflix and chill with her classmate.

“Did you say yes?” I ask.

Surprise and hurt cross her face before her gaze returns to her plate. “I… This week has been too busy.”

“Coffee is what? An hour commitment?” I press. Every word feels like a razor blade. I need to put what I want aside. It’s better this way. She should be dating, and this guy has been interested for months. It shouldn’t be me she’s thinking about, and I sure shouldn’t be thinking about her.

“Do you like him? Is he nice? He doesn’t play hockey, does he?” Roman asks.

“He’s nice and no, he doesn’t play sports. He is going into sports management,” she confirms.

“That’s good. Pro sports careers aren’t stable. An accountant or manager is a much better side to be on. So what’s holding you back?” Roman sets his fork down and gives Aurora his full attention.

She pokes at her rice. “I, uh, I sort of… I liked someone else, and uh, it’s not… He doesn’t…”

The crack in her voice makes me want to stab myself in the eye.

She takes a deep breath, eyes on her plate. “He’s not interested in me the same way.”

“Sounds like his loss if he can’t see what an amazing person you are,” Roman says gently. “Maybe coffee with Jameson is exactly what you need. I just want to see you happy with a normal guy, living your life.”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “I should probably say yes. At least he’s not afraid to go for what he wants.”

That sword cuts deep, because she’s right. And isn’t that what she deserves? Someone who will take risks for her. Someone who doesn’t kiss her and tell her it’s a mistake when it feels like the opposite.

Roman grins, completely oblivious—thank fuck—to the horrible tension. “That’s my girl. Don’t wait around for some guy to realize what he’s missing. You go for what you want.”

“Thanks, Dad. I think I will.” She smiles, but it looks pained, at least to me.

She excuses herself a few minutes later, her plate still half full, to go set up for her group meeting.

Roman waits until she’s gone before he turns to me. “I knew there was more going on. I don’t know why she felt like she had to keep that from me. I’ve always tried to keep an open-door policy between us.”

“Maybe she was processing, especially if she found out this other guy wasn’t interested in her as recently as last night.” That I’m able to keep my voice even is a miracle. Lying to Roman feels almost as shitty as pushing Aurora into the arms of someone far more age appropriate.

“Yeah, that could be it. We don’t keep a lot from each other.” He taps the edge of the table. “Speaking of dating, have you given any more thought to seeing Scarlet?”

I rub my bottom lip. My ex is the last person I want to see. “We’re on the road half the time.”

“It’s just drinks, though. Like you said, it’s an hour commitment. It could give you some closure at the very least. You don’t know if you don’t try, right?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Send her a message. See if she’s available. She’s only in town for a few months. Get closure, if that’s what you need, but take the opportunity for what it is.”

I pull my phone from my pocket, annoyed that his rule about no phones at the table seems to be out the window recently.

Hollis

Hey. Still interested in grabbing that drink?

I press send and feel like I’m going to vomit.

“Happy?”

“Yes, I am. Thank you.”

I’m about to slide my phone back into my pocket, but it buzzes. Roman gives me a chin tip, so I reluctantly check the screen.

Scarlet

Absolutely. Are you free tonight?

I exhale a lungful of guilt and dread. I don’t want to do this, but I know I should. Not because I have any misgivings about ever getting back together with her. She’s not the one I want.

“She say yes?”

“She asked if I’m free tonight.”

He nods. “Tell her yes and get out of here.”

“I’m getting closure, Roman. That’s all this is.” Scarlett has already done enough damage. I won’t give her the power to do more.

It makes me wonder if this is how Aurora will feel about me one day. And wouldn’t that be exactly what I deserve?