Leave Me Behind

He’s not as easy to hate when his eyes are closed. Not when he’s allowing himself to receive a bit of comfort. It’s strange to me that I’m so drawn to wounded things—helpless creatures that I know can still turn and bite. Bradshaw holds himself well, the image of an impenetrable mind and body, but one hit in a training and he’s a shell of a man.

Is it his pride? Or maybe he’s just worn down from it all.

I look up at the others as they scramble to get medical personnel over here. He’s not hurt physically. But something is wrong. He can hardly keep his eyes open and in his vulnerability, he’s seeking my comfort. It makes my heart ache. I gently brush his hair from his face.

“What will you do on the other side? You know, after you get your cards,” I ask, trying to keep him awake as long as possible. He cracks his eyes open enough to gaze up at me; there is a dark calm in them that sends a shudder down my spine.

“I’ll be dead before I get my cards, Bun. I can’t go back to normality, just like you can’t.” His voice is raspy and the determination in his gaze is stone.

My brows crease. “Not before I do. I’ve got your back. Have you forgotten? If you put yourself in danger, you’ll have to watch me die first.”

“You’re so fucking annoying,” he says, frowning. His defeated sigh makes me still. It’s the first time I’ve seen him completely overcome.

What’s that saying? Don’t meet your heroes.

I wouldn’t exactly say that he was my hero, but he was certainly a soldier I looked up to. So many of us have. He was unbreakable. But now that I’m close enough to see his flaws, it’s clear to me that he’s human and not some devil sent from the underworld. He is flesh and bone. He has trauma just as deep and red as the fallen comrades before us.

Ian lingers ten feet away, stealing glances at us. He seems too enthralled to stop himself. It’s probably the first time he’s witnessed this soft side from Bones. It makes me wonder if Abrahm ever had a chance to see this side of him.

Eren’s voice booms, shouting orders at both the hostile squad and Malum before locking eyes with me. Shock rivets through his face as he takes us in. I quickly withdraw my hand from Bradshaw’s cheek, worried that I’m showing too much affection on the field. But Bradshaw’s hand shoots out quickly, grabbing my wrist and placing my palm back against his face.

“Don’t let go,” he murmurs. I wish I could take off his mask and let him breathe more comfortably.

“Everyone can see us,” I whisper.

“I don’t care.”

His clear disdain for me has faltered and I find the same shift inside my own heart. We remain together while we wait for the chopper and even on the ride back to base. He’s reluctant to stray too far from my side.

My skin pebbles under Eren’s dark gaze. He hates how Bradshaw is clinging to me, but it doesn’t explain the ill intent that lingers in his eyes. I try to focus on keeping Bradshaw’s head comfortable on my lap, but I know Eren doesn’t look away for one second.

Bradshaw was taken to the infirmary and hasn’t come out for hours. I sit restlessly on the floor in the hallway, unsure why I feel so reluctant to leave. I decide I’ll wait to hear how he is before going back to my room.

There’s a row of chairs, but the tile is cool on the back of my legs, so I lean my head against the wall as I consider what might happen after today’s mission. It’s the second time I’ve proven my worth. I doubt anyone will try to step in my way again.

My arms are wrapped around my knees and I let my head rest on my shoulder. The entire front side of my tactical gear is covered in dirt and red powder from holding Bradshaw.

“Hey.”

I glance up without lifting my chin from my jacket. Jefferson raises his hand in a feeble attempt at friendliness. I firm my lips and raise a brow in question. He’s the tallest of us, but from where I sit on the floor he looks even more like a giant. He crouches beside me and lets his back hit the wall with a soft thump.

My head turns his way and I wait for him to say something, because it’s sort of weird that he’s here. They’ve been assholes this entire time. Now he wants to be friends? Jefferson’s light brown hair is freshly wet and his clothes are casual. I guess the rest of the squad went straight to the showers when we got here.

“I have to admit, that was the shortest recon training I’ve ever been on.” His voice is genuine, which piques my interest more. He rubs the back of his neck. “You didn’t even hesitate when it came to taking us down. Here I was worried I wouldn’t be able to pull the trigger if I ran into you.”

My head returns to my shoulder. “Does that scare you? That a Riøt could turn so easily?” His eyes dull and he frowns. “The replacement marksman was easy to pick off. He’d be dead in a heartbeat against someone like me. His camouflage was off from his selected location and he wasn’t even trying to seek me out. You’d all be dead if this were a real mission.” My shoulders tense as I consider that my words might come off as a threat. Fuck them. They deserved what they got for all the hazing. But I find a smug grin reflecting in Jefferson’s soft brown eyes when I look at him.

“Yeah, that’s an understatement, Bunny. You’re fucking scary.”Exclusive content © by Nô(v)el/Dr/ama.Org.

A foreign smile grows across my lips, born of belonging and finally feeling like they’ll take me in.

“I’d hate to be on the side you’re not on,” he says with a low tone and a hint of a laugh.

“So you guys are done being assholes then?”

Jefferson narrows his eyes at me playfully. “Hmm. Probably not.” We share a laugh and the door to the med bay opens a moment after.

Eren’s eyes find us immediately. He’s still covered in dirt like I am and he looks completely spent. He stares at us for a moment before deciding to engage with us. “Jefferson, what brings you here?” he asks. It seems obvious to me why he’s here, same as me, to make sure Bradshaw is okay.

Jefferson lifts his shoulder and mutters, “Just thought I’d swing by to check in on you two. Well, three, I guess.” He shoots me an apologetic grin for forgetting me.

The sergeant’s eyes are empty, but he nods. “You can head back to your barracks, Jobs. Bunny and I will be heading back to our quarters as well.” I share a curious look with Jefferson. Did they get in an argument or something? Eren seems so dismissive with him right now.

I watch Jefferson as he walks down the hall back to the barracks.

“Let’s go,” Eren says under his breath.

I spare a glance back at the med bay doors. “But what about Bones? Is he okay?” My voice lowers as I say the latter. I shouldn’t care so much about his condition, but I do. Something was off.

Eren stops walking and looks over his shoulder at me. His features are grim and his eyelids are rimmed with shades of red. The happiness he usually shows the world is gone. I wonder if it was ever truly there to begin with.

“Is something wrong?” I ask more urgently. Something has changed since we arrived. I can feel it even in his posture.

He blows out a breath and smiles, but I can tell it’s forced. “No. Of course not. Come on, Bunny, we can talk more in our room.” Eren resumes his steady stride and I follow in his wake, silently thinking of a hundred different things that might be wrong. Then something sticks. Eren gave me a horrified look when he saw me holding Bradshaw earlier. Why? Is that why he’s acting so off?

I hold my tongue until we step foot into the dark cement room with our two lonesome beds. My hands meet at the small of my back and I wait until Eren steps to the side of his bed and starts unzipping his bullet proof vest.

It’s him who speaks first. “You know, I thought I saw weakness in my brother when he was partnered with Abrahm.” He shifts his eyes up to mine and his hand stills at the end of his vest. “But I saw raw vulnerability in him today.” He shakes his head and presses his palm to his eye, to quell a headache perhaps.

I sit at the edge of my bed, facing him. “Is there something wrong with him being human?” I ask impassively. This side of Eren is distasteful. The words themselves are not so awful, but the tone behind them and the way he’s acting tells me otherwise.

Eren scoffs and glares at me. It’s much more sinister than it should be. The hairs on the back of my neck rise.

“Yes. He is the only one who doesn’t have the luxury of being human. He’s a heartless killing machine that we need on this next mission. You need to focus on your position on the squad, Bunny. No more messing around. Got it?” Eren is using his sergeant voice and his hostile eyes portray just as much.

My brows knit together as I hesitantly nod. Something is definitely wrong.

“Say it,” he commands.

“Yes, Sergeant.”